Respect and Appreciate your Mother
Some behaviors are automatic. We behave a certain way without even really understanding why. We love and hate in certain situations without even trying to do either. But when it comes to that automatic emotional response of love and respect for a mother, there is always room for improvement.
That improvement starts by understanding the basics of this emotional response. Respect and love for a mother is quite common in nature, but many times, these feelings end once offspring no longer physically depend on their mothers. Why is the human condition so much different?
The Mother-Child Bonding Process
Researchers have identified early childhood and early adulthood as the most important time for these ties to form. The former is not surprising, because of the aforementioned biological dependence, but the latter is unique to human mothers and their children. In the interim, many children assert their independence and therefore are dissatisfied with the degree of parental control. In point of fact, this dissatisfaction may be rooted in disillusionment. As young children age, they discover that there is no Santa Claus, the first romantic kiss does not necessarily lead to true love, and that their parents do not have all the answers to life’s questions.
These same studies indicate that the bonds are cultural as well as biological, and that the family bonding experience, and its effects, varies widely along these lines:
- African-American: According to one study, the mother child bond in these households is tied to “respect for parents, obedience to authority, and the importance of cultural traditions.” Furthermore, when there is maternal-child conflict in these households, the children often associate such tension with personal differences, which suggests that these cultural bonds remain strong even in these cases.
- Latino: There’s a saying among many Hispanic parents that a well-raised child is tranquilo, obediente, y respetuoso (calm, obedient, and respectful of adults). The children themselves often reflect similar values. In fact, many non-European Latino children, mainly Puerto Rican and Mexican, almost never disagree with their parents regardless of age.
- Asian-American: Respect for elders is much more than just another cultural stereotype, as nearly three fourths of Asian-American adults believe they have a moral duty to care for their parents when they get older, a proportion that’s almost twice as high as the overall average.
- White: Most Western parents are either authoritative or authoritarian. The former model features rigid behavioral expectations yet moderate limits and a very supportive environment; the latter features strict parents that closely monitor their children. Much maternal-child bonding depends on the family’s circumstances.
These cultural morays largely reinforce the notion of respect for parents, which most world religions wholeheartedly embrace and is one of the few things that they have in common.
Showing Respect for your Mother
If these feelings are tepid, that does not mean you are a bad child or your mother was a bad parent. Instead, it probably means that there are some lingering issues that, for the most part, will dissipate on their own over time, especially after a gentle nudge from a long talk or perhaps a family therapist.
Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on some of these everyday ways to respect your mother:
- Awareness: Be cognizant of all the things that your mother does for you, whether it be something big (like a financial sacrifice) or something small (bringing you a cold drink on a hot day).
- Acknowledgement: Your mother has been there and done that. Even if her specific experiences were markedly different from yours, the overall issues that she dealt with, such as fear and prejudice, are still very much the same today.
- Cheerfulness: Notice that this is the first bullet which requires real effort. Accept your mother’s wishes without complaining to her face. In so doing, you’ll often find that the task was not as unreasonable as you thought and that your urge to post something hateful on social media has oddly subsided.
- Love: Many people who struggle with respect for their mother try this last step first and hope that everything else falls into place, but that approach almost always fails. Instead, start with the natural things that are easy to live out, and then move on to acts that seem unnatural for you.
Children of almost any age or socio-economic status can follow this pattern, and it almost always works in any context. Knowing the cultural background of maternal-child bonds, and understanding how to strengthen these ties in your own life, will make a significant difference not only in your relationship with your mother, but in your children’s relationship with you.